Returning to Work.....

I have been asked by several people how my adjustment to going back to work (as a new mom of the cutest baby in the world--- I believe mine is the cutest!) has been. This is for all my blog followers that are going back to work rather they want to for their own reasons or have to because of financial reasons or for whatever reasons. This is my personal journey and it might not be your case or what you went through so if you don't agree then we need to agree to disagree on this topic.
Okay, back to the post: First off, It's HARD! The hardest thing I ever had to do was leave her at daycare. I have done some hard things in my life (Hey..I'm in HR. I have fired people that I know have nothing but the job they just lost). This took the cake. My heart was being ripped out of my chest by the teacher who reached out her hands for my daughter. To take her away from me. For a whole day. It was awful. My daughter, who has always been independent since day 1 chose the moment I took her out of the car seat to snuggle with me. She rarely ever did this. She always preferred to see what was happening around her then to snuggle with someone. She did snuggle occasionally, but really she likes to know what is going on and snuggling makes that difficult. Anyway, so as I clutch my daughter to me and start to cry in the parking lot saying I couldn't do it, I couldn't leave her, my sweet husband hugged us both and said that we had come this far and to stick with our plan and give this new path a try. He reminded me gently that I was the one who wanted to try going back to work and if after a trial period of honestly giving it a fair shot, I discovered that it was not what I wanted then I could resign. So I have been back to work for 3 short and long weeks now and I still don't know where I stand. I like being back at work. I like doing something with my day besides wash bottles, change diapers, and talk baby talk. I don't like not knowing what my daughter is doing all the time. I don't like not being able to see her sweet smile during the day. I miss her. Terribly. My days do fly at work and I love the fact that when I pick Audrey up she smiles at me. She looks up at the sound of my voice. That is what I love about daycare. I also like that she interacts with other kids or she will soon. She is on a schedule. She doesn't nap much at daycare (too much going on), but she sleeps great at night (8:00 pm-6:00 AM). Her teacher has been with the daycare for 15 years! She is a grandmother type who loves children and I see it in how she cares for Audrey. Still it is hard. I feel torn in two. I am leaning more towards staying at home though. I am waiting to see if a telecommuting schedule will be approved at my work. If it is approved then I will probably stay working full time. This way, I can work and be with Audrey during some work days as well as give her daycare interaction.

So I know that is not a clear answer, but there you have it. It's hard. I don't feel at all how I thought I would feel returning to work. I miss her more then I ever thought possible. I have become more selfish of my time with her on the weekends (I don't do nearly what I did on the weekends before she came along). I stay at home with her and B on the weekends and we just play. Weekends are my favorite time!

I don't know what I am going to do. I am going to give myself until the end of this year to decide. Pray for me during this time. I want to make the best decision for Audrey AND my sanity.